I Hate You, Don't Leave Me
by girlfrom.0z
Summary: Rory is a successful journalist, Jess is a successful writer, they've accomplished everything they dreamed of, except there's still one thing missing from their lives: each other. So, when the universe brings them back together one last time, for one more chance, will their hearts break again, or will they realise that together is where they're meant to be? (WILL BE M FOR SMUT)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hi, and welcome to my version of how Rory and Jess should have turned out after the seventh season (let's hope they get together in the Revival – I bet you're all as excited as I am!). I'm a complete Literati, so I'm sorry to anybody who loves Dean or Logan, you're probably not going to like this story all that much. Okay, onto the boring part: I do not own Gilmore Girls, any of the characters or any of the original plot – this is simply a story that I wrote because I can't stop thinking about it and I'm re-marathoning Gilmore Girls at the moment so I had some inspiration to write.**

 **Oy with the poodles already!**

 **-GirlfromOz**

* * *

 **One:**

 **RORY'S P.O.V-**

I manage to keep the smile that's begging to appear, off my face until I see the sign that welcomes me to the small town.

It doesn't have a population number listed on it – it's far too small of a population to bother writing –, but the brown wood is fresh and the paint is a new white, obviously Taylor finally got his way.

 _As he always does_ , my mind whispers and I feel the wave of positivity wash over me as soon as I pass it. I'm finally home.

My eyes skim over the small town that's been my home for the last twenty-three years, minus one year abroad, some time spent travelling and the years I was at Yale. A town that opened their arms wide for a new mother when she was still a child herself, who welcomed _us_ with open arms.

"Home," I whisper to nobody but myself, and I feel the sinking feeling finally leave my stomach. It settled there sometime over the past year, a constant reminder that home was waiting for me, waiting for my return.

My eyes start to water to their own accord and I quickly wipe a tear away, taking in the familiar sight that I've been dreaming of, noting that there's new park benches on the side of the road, looking towards the shops and I wonder if Luke opposed, or if he just let it go, knowing Taylor would get his way in the end, anyway.

The cab pulls over to the side of the road, far enough that nobody inside the diner would be able to see me, but close enough that there's a minimal chance I'll get stopped walking there. Despite my love for the town, there's only three things I want at this point in time – to see my mother, to see Luke and to get some of his delicious coffee in me.

Getting out the car, I hand over an unbelievable amount of money to the driver – the things I do to keep my home coming a surprise –, grab my luggage, phone and nearly-empty coffee cup, putting it up to my lips as I stop beside the bin on the sidewalk. I wince as the liquid pours down my throat, cold coffee has never been a favourite of mine.

My heart feels as though it's about to jump through my throat as I push the door to the diner open, taking in the sight before me.

Despite thinking she was going to be here, my mother is nowhere to be seen, and I let out a disappointed sigh before I shut the door behind me and walk to the counter where Luke is facing away from me, his ear to the phone.

Kirk looks up from his cup of coffee – I wonder if it's still three-quarters decaf, one quarter caffeinated – before he smiles a great smile and I put my finger up to his lips to keep him from talking, pointing at Luke.

He nods once before he returns to the donut he's halfway through, and I sit down on the stool beside him, my elbows resting on the counter, my chin resting in my hands.

Luke looks the same as he always did, his baseball cap is on backwards, his blue jeans hanging baggy, a green flannel shirt resting over his back. I can't help it, I smile, I've missed the man more than I can begin to describe.

"Look, I don't know what you want me to say- No, you can't do that, I've already told them not to sell you more. Because. Because, you're addicted and you're going to make a hole in the roof if you keep bouncing. No, I'm not letting you have a special exception. No. It doesn't matter that you did that last night- Loralie. I've got to go. I have a diner full of customers,"

My eyes travel around the empty diner besides Kirk and I and then up to the clock. He's got almost an hour before the lunch rush will come in and I try to hold in my laugh.

"Okay, I'll be home later tonight. I know. I love you too."

He hangs up the phone and turns around, looking up.

He double-takes when he sees me and then he's around the counter and in front of me before I can blink, his arms crushing me to his chest tighter than I thought possible. "Rory!"

His good mood makes my happiness rise to an almost giddy level and I wrap my arms around his waist, smiling into his shoulder. "Hi dad."

Before I left, I'd never called him _dad_ before, it hadn't even occurred to me. I'd always loved Luke, always adored him, and he'd always been my father figure in life, but the words had never come out. Not until I'd had enough one night and called to talk to mum, but he had answered the phone.

He talked me down from my crying state until I could breathe enough to talk and make sense, and the words had accidently popped out. _"Dad, I don't want to be here anymore, I don't think I'm made out for this._ "

We both stayed silent for a moment, the words rushing over us and I heard him suck in his breath. I waited for him to become awkward, to apologise, but he instantly stepped into the father role he'd always played and whispered that it was okay and I was made out for anything I wanted to do, but I could come home if I needed to.

Ever since that night, he'd been _dad_ , much to his, mine and apparently my mother's happiness.

He pushes me back to arm's length to take a look at me before he runs a hand through his hair and then pulls me back to his chest. "Look at you! Even more gorgeous than before you left, and here I was, thinking that was impossible."

I laugh despite myself, knowing fully well that I've put on a few pounds while working away. "Lies will never get me to stop drinking coffee, stop while you're ahead."

He groans under his breath and pushes himself away from me, walking back behind the counter to where the coffee pot is and grabs me a mug. "How many cups have you had today?"

My fingers cross themselves behind my back and I give a small smile. "None."

His eyebrow raises in disbelief. "Plus?"

I pout. "Five. But yours is better!"

A smile takes over his face and his eyes get a far-away look in them, as if he's trapped in a memory, before he snaps back to reality and pours me a cup before handing it over. "You and your mother, too much alike for your own good."

I take a sip of my drug and I feel relief spread all the way to my toes; nobody makes coffee better than right here at Luke's, and I've gone for too long without it. "Speaking of, where _is_ my mother? I thought she'd be here."

He leans against the bench behind him and folds his arms across his chest, shaking his head. "She's at home, looking for the coffee. That was just her on the phone, she wanted to know where I hid it this morning. She'd had five cups before I was coming to work at eight o'clock, and she's refusing to drink the decaf. Apparently it's _the coffee version of cyanide_. The more she was worrying that you hadn't called, the more she consumed. She's been unstoppable for the past two days, I thought I'd have to tie her to a chair just to make sure she wouldn't bounce through the roof with the coffee-high that she's on. She's cleaned the whole house," I raise my eyebrow and he nods. "Bleach and everything."

I instantly feel guilty for not calling. "I'm sorry I couldn't call, I was on a plane for fifteen hours and then when I got here I had serious jetlag so I slept for ten hours straight. I didn't want to call when I woke up because I wanted to surprise her."

He fiddles with something on the coffee machine before he turns back to me. "Don't be ridiculous, she'll be so excited that you came home that she'll forget about looking for the coffee … at least for an hour. So how long are you back for? How was _the land down under_?"

I note the hint of sarcasm at the expression and take another sip of my coffee which is almost finished. "It was good- hot. And it's not like people say, there aren't kangaroos hopping down the street, or anything. At least not the way people make out, not unless you're in the bush. And I'm- Well I'm home fulltime."

He frowns, but I note that it's not out of anger, but out of concern. "Everything okay?"

"I just can't stand being away from home for that long," my voice is almost a whisper. "This is the first time I've been home in over a year, and I don't know how long I would've been away for if I hadn't have left. They told us that freelance journalism would be hard if you were connected to home, I just didn't know how hard it would be until I experienced it for myself."

He leans over and gives my shoulder an affectionate pat before he busies himself wiping down the counter. "Well, for the record, I'm glad you're home. Not because I couldn't cope with your mother, or anything, just because I've missed you. The whole town has. Taylor actually brought up at the town meeting starting a money-fund to bribe you to come back home so that Loralie would stop harassing people."

I laugh, vaguely wondering whether or not he's joking before Kirk cuts in. "We all thought it was a great idea, even I was willing to donate a small sum, but then Luke pointed out that you were pursuing your dreams and if we mentioned how bad Loralie had become since you'd left, your conscious would get the better of you and you'd come home, and if we did that he was going to find some way to sue Taylor. Which we were all pretty sure wouldn't be able to technically happen, but apparently it scared Taylor because the idea got shut down right away."

Luke shoots me a small smile. "What's the plans now?"

Despite the fact that I've always planned everything one hundred per cent, I don't have a plan.

I just woke up, decided I needed to go home, handed in my resignation and got on a plane.

"I don't know." I almost laugh, the statement ridiculous to even myself. "I don't have a plan. I guess … find a job and a place to live? If not in Stars Hollow somewhere close so I can come and visit all the time? Being half way across the world makes you more than a little homesick."

He pauses for a moment and I watch the wheels in his brain turn before he makes up his mind and he pulls out a key from his back pocket. "Well… You know I'm living at your mum's, so upstairs is free. You can live there as long as you want, no rent required – just pay the bills on time and keep the place clean. As for the job- I don't have anything full time at the moment, but you're welcome to work here to save up some cash until you find another one."

His kindness nearly sends me over the edge and when I start to object he frowns at me. "Don't say no, I'm not doing it because I love you or because I love your mum, I'm doing it because I have a place where you can safely sleep for cheap, you'll save some money, and I need someone to help me out around here at the moment, anyway. I've become a full-time handy man at home."

I want to tell him that there's nothing that needs time fixing at home, but instead I hold my tongue and take the key out of his hand, putting it inside my purse. "Thank you, dad."

He nods once before he sticks his chin out of the door. "Now go and see your mother before she has a heart attack."

I give him a kiss on the cheek, smile at Kirk and leave my luggage with the promise that he'll put my bags upstairs for me, then turn and walk out of the door.

* * *

" _OH SWEET CHILD O' MINE WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!"_

I deny my urge to tell her she's been listening to too much Guns 'N' Roses. "Hello mother-"

 _"Ungrateful little offspring, you don't call me **mother**_ _after making me worry that you're dead in a ditch somewhere! You finally answer your phone and you call me **mother**?! I don't care that you're twenty-three, you're still my baby and I'm still **mummy**."_

From the pace that she's talking, I know that Luke wasn't exaggerating when he told me how many cups of coffee she'd had, and I muffle my laugh with a cough. "Sorry, _mummy_ , but you should have known that I wasn't dead in a ditch somewhere – I've only been out of touch for just over three days."

 _"Yes, but it's what you were doing in those 'just over three days' that I'm wondering about. You haven't been out of touch with me for a whole day since you left, between the emails and video calls. So what have you been doing? Why haven't you returned any of my calls or emails? Did you meet a man? Is his accent sexy? Did you get kidnapped? I thought you told me that Australia was safe. Did you buy a puppy for your apartment? OH! He can be friends with Paul Anka! We can put them on video chat together and they can be cyber-buddies! Does it count as me being a grandmother if it's to a dog? I think it does, so I'm a grandma now. I demand he never calls me that, it would make me feel too old, he can call me Pretty Lady. Can I rename him? You've picked a stupid name, haven't you?"_

I listen to her ramble before she stops to take a breath and I cut her off before she can continue again, turning onto our street. My heartrate picks up again, I'm almost back in our home. "No, I didn't meet a man or buy a dog. And I'm almost certain that, even if I had, he and Paul Anka never would have been _cyber-buddies_ , because dogs can't use technology. Why did you call me so many times, anyway?"

 _"Well, we got an unexpected visitor a few days ago, and you would never believe who it was. Anyway, I call you all the time so I thought you'd be interested in knowing, and I needed someone sane to hear me out-_ " I knock on the front door and she sighs into the phone, " _Hold on a second babe, I think Luke's home to make sure I didn't find the coffee_."

When she pulls the front door open, she stops dead in her tracks and simply stares at me before she starts blubbering and tackles me on the front porch.


	2. Chapter 2

**Two:**

 **RORY'S P.O.V**

By the time the front door opens and Luke appears, it's nearing ten o'clock and there's two tubs of ice cream and an assortment of sweets laid out on the table in front of us.

I give him a grateful smile for lingering at the diner and giving me some much-needed time to catch up with mum before I grab another Red Vine and bite the end off, my stomach giving a groan of protest at all of the sugar I've consumed in the last hours.

"You come down from a caffeine-high and get on a sugar one, what am I going to do with you?" he murmurs, shrugging out of his coat and hanging it up on the rack in the corner of the room. I assume that he built it, because it looks too fancy to have bought in a store for less than a few hundred dollars and, since he's become a major part of her life, mum doesn't waste money anymore. At least, not as much, and not on things that he'd notice right away.

She smiles a cheesy grin at him so he can count every one of her teeth and flutters her eyelashes. "Oh please, don't pretend that you don't love it - you wouldn't want me any other way."

He lets out a grunt that could be taken either way, but when she turns back to me, he smiles so brightly at the back of her head that I have to look away, my stomach sinking. I've seen that look before, on a face that looks so similar it makes my chest hurt.

"We had to have some sugar," she carries on, picking up the Nerds and pouring a handful into her mouth. "Apparently Australia doesn't have candy."

Luke gives me a look before I explain. "They call it _chocolate_ or _lollies_. It does exist, she's just having a hard time comprehending the fact that they have other words from us."

Mum pours more Nerds into her and I take the packet away, pouring the remaining in my mouth.

"Lor," Luke walks over and kisses her forehead before he carries on. "Please stop eating the sugar, you won't get any sleep tonight and I have to be at the diner to open in the morning, I can't put up with you talking all night because you're on a sugar hit."

She pouts her lips at him. "Old man, sleep is for the weak."

Despite her joking tone, her words come with the realisation of just how tired I really am and, as if on que, I let out a loud yawn. "Now that you say that, I realise how tired I am," I say, getting to my feet. "I think it's time to turn in for the night."

She turns her glare onto me. "You're weak as well, I've hardly slept for three days and I feel _great_."

I pick up my jumper off the floor and shrug it on, "Yes, that's called _hysteria_ ," I smile. "Soon the nice men in the white coats will be around to take you to the happy farm."

She rolls her eyes at me and picks up a Red Vine. "Let them come, I'm sure they'd be great company."

"Lor, Rory's been travelling for a long time to come home to _you_ , she's exhausted. How about we have breakfast tomorrow at the diner? _All_ of us." Luke shakes his head at her as he begins to pack up the last of the sugar that's packed on the bench.

His message to mum is clear and she shuts her mouth, glaring at him before she turns to me with a smile. "Yeah, breakfast at the diner tomorrow – I bet you've missed the coffee."

I agree with a nod and a yawn, zipping my coat up to keep out the cold. "If the two of you didn't exist, it would be the thing I missed most while I was gone."

Mum's eyes follow my movement and she laughs. "Hun, I don't know if you've forgotten your way around here, but I promise, you're not going to need your jumper to get to your room."

"I told her that she could stay at the apartment for as long as she needs." Luke murmurs softly, and a frown appears on her face.

"But-"

"She needs her own space, Loralie. She doesn't want to be stuck here with us. Leave it be."

I watch as something passes between them, an unspoken conversation, before mum's face finally clears and she looks at me. "Of course you do. We'll meet you at the diner at eight?"

Nodding, I kiss them both on the cheek and make my way to the front door, wondering what their looks were about. Before I can ponder it, I turn around, the door half-open in front of me. "Oh, Luke, did you want me to work tomorrow?"

He comes to stand beside mum and puts his hand on the small of her back, pulling her close. "No, take tomorrow to catch up with Lane, to get your coffee fix, scope out the new section at the bookstore. Start fresh on Monday."

"New section at the bookstore?!" I perk up, feeling more awake.

They both smile at me and mum walks forward, kissing my forehead. "I'm glad you're back, kid. Also, please note that if you try to leave mummy again, I'm going to tie you to a chair and never let you leave."

Luke and I laugh despite knowing that she's fully serious and then I'm out the door, pulling it shut behind me.

* * *

 **LUKE'S P.O.V:**

He watches as Loralie stands at the closed door, her hand resting on the old wood, her shoulders hunched over.

He knows that she'd feel better if Rory was locked in the house, close to her, but it's not part of his plan and she seemed to realise what he was doing right away.

She hasn't said a word yet, and he can't tell if it's a good sign or not - it usually isn't.

It's one of the only times since he's met her, and he realises that he cannot begin to tell what she's thinking. He doesn't know if they're about to have a fight, but he hopes not. He hates fighting with her, no matter how rarely it happens.

When she turns so that she's facing him, her eyes are empty of emotion and her mouth is set in a line. His stomach falls beneath his feet. "Want to tell me what all this is about?"

He watches the woman who he loves most in the world and then turns his eyes away from her and stares down at her shoes. "I know that you don't like it. I know I should have talked to you first. But I…"

He's having trouble finding the right words and Loralie seems to realise because she's suddenly in front of him, her fingers underneath his chin so that he's looking into her eyes instead of the floor. "You…?"

It's in her eyes that he finds the words he's been trying to locate. Just like everything else in his life, when she's around, they just fall into place. "You said that she's miserable, that she still loves him. And I love her too much to not give her the chance to find her happiness. He's picked up the phone to call her one hundred times, she asks about him every time we speak - it's like the only people who don't know how much they want to communicate is each other."

Loralie searches his eyes before she presses her lips lightly to his and rests a hand on his chest. "I love that you love her so much, but I feel like we should have warned her what she was walking into."

He shakes his head and puts his hand so it's laying over-top of hers, resting over his heartbeat. "If we did, she would have talked herself out of it. He doesn't know, either, they're in the same boat. Hopefully they'll realise they're meant to be together without much trouble."

Loralie purses her lips for a moment, thinking about her words before they come out of her mouth. "They're both too stubborn for their own goods, they won't be together unless they both choose to be. All we can do is hope."

And Luke does hope. He hopes he's done the right thing.

* * *

 **RORY'S P.O.V:**

By the time I finally unlock and open the front door to the diner, it's getting closer to ten-thirty and my eyes are drifting shut on their own.

I took the long way back, trying to avoid the places that held the most memories, my emotions threatening to take over like every time I get too exhausted, my feet carrying themselves as far away from the bridge as I could get.

I shut and lock the door behind me, contemplating coffee before I groan and make my way to the stairs, shuffling up them as quickly as I can, stopping short as I walk into the apartment and the wall of nostalgia hits me like a tidal wave.

Everything's the same - there's still two beds, the same old fridge and microwave, the little dining table, the same bedspreads and pillows.

Despite my limited time spent in the apartment, I feel the crushing weight on my chest as the memories flood back into my brain - some of the best times of my life have been spent inside these walls, of them including _him_.

With the sudden urge to cry, I push the thought to the deepest edges of my mind and shake my head to clear the thoughts.

"No," I tell myself. "You're not allowed to do that. You're not allowed to think of him."

Despite my words, I shed a tear and angrily wipe it away, cursing myself under my breath. I should have known that taking the apartment from Luke would bring up too many painful memories, but I didn't even give it a second thought, just threw myself under the bus.

Before another tear can spill, I grab the towel Luke's laid out for me off the end of the bed and make my way into the small bathroom, shutting the door behind me.

I won't think about him.

I can't.

My shower is quick and boiling, and I can't tell if I'm trying to scrub the memory of him off my skin, or if I'm trying to wash away the pain that comes with it, but when I step out, I decide that I'm not going to let the apartment make me think of him anymore, and that's it.

 _It's not his apartment, it's Luke's. The fact that he was here means nothing, he was in mum's house as well, and that has nothing to do with him_.

Even as my mind whispers the words, I know they're not true.

 _That house is where you saw him the first time_ , my brain counters. _It's the first place you let yourself believe in love at first sight, but denied it._

I walk through the apartment that I can now call my own, and into the bedroom that was once Luke's, that I can now call my home and look down at the bags that, true to his word, Luke brought up and placed at the end of the bed for me.

They look like they're close to bursting at the seams and I sigh to myself, knowing that there's no way I can be bothered to sort through it and find my pyjamas. Despite the thought, I know that I can't go to bed completely naked, all likelihood that my mother will sneak up sometime through the night and crawl into bed with me.

I pull the doors open and look in Luke's closet which is completely bare and close them.

Despite knowing my chances are low, I make my way to the closet in the other room, hoping that there's a spare shirt of Luke's, or a pair of mum's pyjamas, but what I find when I open the door is neither.

My breath catches in my throat and I bite my lip as I touch the fabric between my fingers, my eyes closing.

 _Jess_.

I pull the _Metallica_ shirt from what feels like a million years ago off the hangover and drop the towel, slipping it over my head.

Because, despite the fact that I've spent the last year pushing him out of my mind, tonight I don't _want_ to.

Tonight, the apartment, the shirt … it's all too much.

And so I let his smell consume me, and lay down in the bed that he slept in, holding myself, wishing that he's asleep next to me.


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N: I am super-sorry that this chapter is so short, but I didn't want to ruin it by adding too much. The next chapter will be up in the next few days! Enjoy-.  
**

* * *

 **Three:**

 **RORY'S P.O.V-**

The dream starts and ends the same way every time, and tonight is no different.

 _"Come with me."_

 _The words I've been waiting for two years to hear comes from his mouth, and suddenly, I realise that, despite waiting for so long to hear them, they're not right._

 _Because it doesn't matter how long I've waited for them, or that they're the only words I want to hear- I can't leave everything behind. Not now. "Where?"_

 _The course of the evening plays through my mind while he takes a breath and I let the waves role over me. As soon as he walked into the room, I knew that my heart was going to break again, and I need to get ready for the breakdown that's sure to happen when he leaves. "I don't know- away!"_

 _"Are you crazy?!" my voice comes out harsher than I mean it to, and I see his answering frown as he tries to convince himself that he's not._

 _But maybe he isn't the crazy one, because you'd have to be crazy to be considering running away from your life and to an ex-boyfriend who shattered your heart and soul._

 _Maybe I'm the crazy one._

 _"Probably. Do it. Come with me- don't think about it."_

 _My voice is border lining on hysterical and I can hear it. "I can't do that!"_

 _I don't know which one of us I'm trying to convince with my words and I turn away from him, pushing the door to my room open, walking inside to the dark._

 _It gives me a moment to contort my features, smooth them over so he doesn't know what I'm thinking. At least, I hope he's too in the moment to try and figure it out. If he wanted to, he'd know what I'm thinking in two seconds and I can't afford to let him know._

 _"_ _You don't think you do, but you can do- you can do whatever you want."_

 _His words crush my chest, and I want to demand why he believes in me so whole-heartedly, but instead I ignore his underlining comment and focus on the at-hand matter. "It's not what I want!"_

 _Lie._

 _Such a lie._

 _He knows it, as well. I can tell from the disbelieving look on his face._

 _"It is! I know you!"_

 _Deny, I tell myself. Deny it. It's the only way you're going to get through this still breathing. "You_ ** _don't_** _know me!"_

 _Even as the words slip past my lips they sound wrong, and I pray that he doesn't notice how strangled they sound. How much even I don't believe them._

 _If I thought I wanted to hear him asking me to runaway with him, what he says next leaves me breathless and more than a little dizzy._ _"Look, we'll go to New York. We'll work, we'll live together, be together- it's what I want, it's what you want, too!"_

 _Just for a moment I let myself slip into the idea of Jess and I living in New York. It would be in a small apartment, somewhere tiny but close to a bookstore and coffee shop._

 _We'd spend our days with me reporting at the local newspaper or magazine firm, he would write from home and would walk me home every day from work._

 _We'd drink more coffee than we'd ever had before, spend our nights making love in front of the stars on our big bed and sharing our favourite books._

 _We'd have the most beautiful library._

 _We'd be happy._

 _And he wouldn't leave._

 _As soon as the moment appears, my last thought shatters it completely and I snap back to the present._

 _Because, as much as I love him- as much as I can't live without him, I can't live with him, either. Because he can't stay in one place, he always leaves. Always leaves me. And I'm always left to deal with the pieces of gluing my heart back together. I can't afford to make the same mistake again. "No!"_

 _His voice is almost as desperate as mine, and his eyes plead with me to understand. To relinquish control. To trust him. To let him take care of me. "Look, I wanna be with you. But not here, not this place, not Stars Hollow! We have to start new."_

 _Shut it down._

 _Stop this conversation._

 _Don't believe it._

 _You're going to get your heart broken again._

 _"There's nothing to start."_

 _It's as if my words fall on deaf ears and he gestures around the room at my almost-empty apartment. "But you're packed, your stuff is all in boxes. It's perfect! You're ready and I'm ready! I'm ready for this, you can count on me now. I know you couldn't count on me before, but you can now- You can!"_

 _"No!" My voice is almost pleading. Desperate. I can't help but compare it to a cry of a wounded animal and I feel my chest tightening._

 _When he looks me straight in the eyes, I can feel my resolve slipping and I bite my lip to keep from barrelling myself into his arms and letting him hold me. From giving up the fight. "You know we're supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you, two years ago. And you know it too, I know you do."_

 _I know._

 _No. I don't._

 _I know I'm meant to be with you._

 _But I know you're going to break my heart._

 _I can't let you break my heart._

 _I won't survive it again._

 _"No! No, no, no, no!"_

 _He knows that I'm lying, and he comes at me as hard as he can. "Don't say no just to make me stop talking or make me go away! Only say no if you really don't want to be with me."_

 _I know he wants me to say yes._

 _To hold him._

 _To let him hold me._

 _God, I wish he would hold me._

 _But I can't do that to either of us._

 _Because we would be so happy together, and then he'd realise that he didn't want to be trapped in one place and I would be left behind to pick up the pieces._

 _Luke would hate him for crushing me, again._

 _He would hate himself for crushing me again, for doing so natural for him._

 _My favourite line from_ Breakfast at Tiffany's _crashes through my mind,_ "Some birds are not meant to be caged" _. Nothing is truer than that quote for Jess._

 _And so I take a deep breath and try as hard as I can to keep my voice even._

 _Because, even if I can say yes for myself, I can't say yes for him._

 _I love him too much to trap him._

 _"No!"_

 _That's the moment I feel my heart completely shatter in my chest, and I watch him turn his back on me and walk away without another word._

I wake up in a bed of sweat, tears streaming down my face and I clutch my chest, the pain too real and excruciating to almost the point of unbearable.

It's the same dream every night.

It's the same wake-up every morning.

It's the same feeling in my chest.

I can't breathe.

I swing my legs over the side of the bed and bend down, putting my head between my knees just like my therapist taught me. She told me that what I was having was known as a _panic attack_. When she'd told me, I'd wanted to snap that I didn't pay her almost two hundred dollars an hour to point out the obvious, but she'd been helping me and I didn't want her help to stop.

When my breathing is finally back to normal, I look over at the clock and frown to myself. 6:01. Earlier than I would have liked to get up, but I'm too worked up to let myself go back to sleep, so instead I get to my feet and put my arms above my head, stretching out my limbs until they crack.

 _This calls for coffee_.

I know that I have at least twenty minutes before Luke will decide to show his face, so I decide against finding comfortable pants to put on and struggling back into my jeans and open the door to the apartment.

I take the stairs two at a time, the promise of coffee a welcome thought, the idea of the smell drawing me in.

When I get to the bottom of the staircase, I push the curtains aside and walk through into the diner, a weird sense of Déjà vu overwhelm me for a moment.

How many times did I come down from that apartment while I was seeing him?

The dream is still to recent and I push the idea of him away, flicking the switch on the coffee machine. I rest my head against the cupboards and close my eyes.

 _Is there ever going to be a night when I don't dream of you?_

 _Is there ever going to be a day when I don't miss you?_

When the coffee pot is full, I bend down to grab a mug from the bottom of the counter and hear the door jingle as it opens.

"Luke!"

I pop up and my breath catches in the back of my throat.

"Rory?"

His hair is cut short on the sides, a little longer on the top and I get the sudden urge to run my hands through it.

His eyes are the same beautiful brown they've always been. The colour of caramel that can melt your soul with a glance.

He is dressed in a dark pair of jeans and a black shirt, looking every bit as the bad boy he did when he was seventeen.

My vision starts to go dark around the edges. I'm suffocating myself. I can't breathe.

He seems to realise what's going on as quickly as it starts and, in two seconds, he's dropped his bags and is standing in front of me, his hand grabbing my bottom lip and pulling my mouth open. "Rory? Breathe."

But, as soon as he touches me I'm a goner and I can feel the darkness overtake me as I faint.

Before I black out, the last thing I see if his beautiful concerned face and I reach my hand out to touch him.

"Jess."


End file.
